"Not one of the lives of this world the heart does not choose."
-- Jane Hirschfield

still love that line

hmm where to start...

it's been an insane, two?, weeks. so in other words, be prepared, I'm not sure where this post is going... it might turn into an undispherable ranting run-down of these last two weeks. but i'm listening to de palmas so hopefully i won't get too nutso...

we're prepping for finals this week in classes. i turned in the final part of my 20 page paper for design principles -- it was crap. i doubt michael will fail me but i really need to get better at those good intentions of starting my papers sooner than the night before they're due. sigh. the presentation as were most people's was very laid-back and minimal. I'm actually going to miss that class -- we were a really good, light mix of people.

i'm in the middle of designing my presentation layout for final review in studio -- it's immense and laying all over the office floor at the moment -- but i have good roommates who understand and are letting me take up the entire office for these few days. i realised that i still have another piece to produce and i really want to update my site model a bit -- though time wise i'm nervous about fitting that in. i also have a crapload of printing to do tomorrow night after my autoCAD final -- i'd have done it tonight but something about the fire alarm going off at 6.30 right as i was finishing up my CAD homework -- and 30 minutes before the building was closing anyways... argh. Sen was my goddess and let me come over and finish up on her educational edition (which is the same thing except it prints out huge labels on the edges of your papers that 'this document was created with an educational version of autoCAD'. not that that's an issue for this class!

oh and i have to photograph everything that hasn't already been photographed and drop it onto a disk before wednesday! doesn't that sound like tons of fun! :P

and i have a ton of perspective drawing to finish up -- but i think i can get everything done and still sleep and maybe not even call in sick to work, though i might wednesday ;)

i just have to make it to Thursday night! and then it's done -- Kris is having a party at her place then so we can all celebrate and i'm so excited -- and then on friday, I leave for eight days in France! I'm going home!!! uber excited! Angela's coming along for the fun too -- as we've been friends for the last nine years and haven't yet spent more than a week straight in each other's company, we decided it was time to change that :D here's hoping our strong friendship is as strong as we think it is! lol -- not that we're actually concerned!

in other news, the architect is uber stressed out between work and classes. i haven't gotten to really see him in the last two weeks. he's struggling with the concept of balancing work, school and a relationship -- worries that the person (me) he's in a relationship with should be the most important thing in his life (??? I know, i was confused as to why he thinks that too -- we're NOT married after all) -- and is stressed enough that he actually verbalised the thought of finding a different program.

-- side note: everyone is thinking that -- at least three friends are leaving. Joe actually applied and was excepted to GSD (whatever!) but isn't going b/c he wouldn't be able to work while taking classes there. i've had the conversation with myself of if i'm being idiotic by not actively considering leaving -- then i remember that i like small institutions that the majority of people don't know or think is a bad school ... i know this is a stupid reason for choosing and staying at a school but it's that underdog scenario i guess....
-- end side note

so anyways, the architect is stressed, has been distant -- at an annoyingly bad time as I'm finally getting comfortable with letting people know we're together, though i can't do that now that he's not cooperating -- and it doesn't help i think, that i'm the one calling and saying hey, i can come over and hang out if you want while he can only tell me he's too stressed and busy.

the thing is -- he is stressed, busy, anxious and not just wasting time etc -- so it's not like i can fault him or be upset that he can't find time for me even though i'm in the same position and can find it. (i know he doesn't consider my job as demanding as his and in some regards it's not but in other ways it is -- so i know it balances out, but he's a guy and he's older and has some weird age syndrome so he definitely doesn't think my jobs as demanding, whatever :) )

the long and short of it -- two weeks since i've really seen him, i'm out of the country (hooray!) next week, we both work the week after and he's going home over Memorial Day weekend. So it's going to be a month before I see him again really. in other words, i'm not sure where we're going to be in a month :( -- i don't get the feeling that this relationship is over yet (it's going to end at some point -- this i know -- we are not meant to be lifers) but i just didn't sense that this was going to be such a short relationship -- though i don't know if it's going to end in a month just that well, i don't know what's going on and i'm nervous though i'm also coming to accept that whatever happens is what will happen and i'll have to go on from there. Senofer would be so happy if this thing ended I know -- she tries to be nice to him though. and i'm hopeful that he and i will ride out part of the summer :)

-- man this whole relationship thing can really suck -- no wonder i've stayed away from it for so long -- it doesn't help that my stress and hormone levels have risen exponentially in comparison to the decline of my sleeping hours :P

well it's late and i'm sleepy and my mind's drifting and my fingers are typing lots of wrong keys and spellings so ... time to end -- nothing funny or amazing to share but comments are welcomed, comme toujours! a la prochaine!

i'm interrupting my 'long haul' -- as i've recently dubbed my evenings of late, i'll try to remember to explain why later -- because i was thinking about the architect and i realised something ... or rather i came upon a question concerning him for which i have two answers and i'm not sure which one is right.

i've been trying to understand what about him makes him different for me -- why do i feel more comfortable with him than i have other guys in the past, especially when i can tell he's not a guy i'm going to marry ...

i suppose you could say that it's simply age and time -- i haven't dated in years, i'm extremely independent and i've had plenty of time to evaluate what i want out of a relationship

or it's that being independent, having been so and on only my own for the last several years, I know how i am and that i could walk away from this relationship intact

or it's that he's older (??) -- this brings us back to that question of age vs. maturity though (read the previous posts) -- and is more willing to let me be me even though there are things about me that he isn't as fond of (vice versa for me!

those were the main points of thought and most of the rest revolved around those... and for that i interrupt my long haul of homework, cleaning and laundry -- why do i try to cramp so much into one evening when i'm getting into the busy part of my semester! why do i think these things are good things that MUST be done now! ... aieaie aie.... i laugh at own insanity, feel free to join in

back to the grind...